Am I using my depression as an excuse to be lazy?
As you know, my mental health is not stable at all times and it's something I'm very vocal about because I really believe in mental health awareness. You know, break the stigma! The more you talk about it the less it feels like there's something "wrong" with you, the more you can openly share knowledge and educate yourself about it the more you grow and get better or help others get better.
But you know what? To me, personally, there is a small drawback.
Even though acknowledging it publicly has been so enlightening and I've learned so much more about myself and why I act the way I do - and has even allowed me to reinterpret past phases of my life that had been very puzzling to me... The truth is aknowledging the disease also comes with using that as an excuse in my case.
I'm a lazy person! Have always been, my sister and I share that feature and we're two of the laziest people I've ever met. Doesn't mean we don't work hard for the stuff we love, we're just lazy on a personal, at-home type of level...
AND I'm an introvert! So I love to stay at home and limit social interactions to a minimum (ahah yes dat me).
So when you're lazy and an introvert AND you're depressed it's like a million things weighing you down. To get out of a funk or a depressive episode you need (sometimes therapy and medication but also) to go out, socialise, get some sun, talk to people, go out for walks, exercise - all things I'd honestly rather not do. Ever.
And, of course, it's so important to let people know they're still doing good if they're doing their best but can't get better. I've seen multiple tweets and sayings mainly communicating the idea that even if you can't get out of bed, it's fine. We all have good days and bad days - and bad days sometimes mean we cannot get out of bed and that's okay.
While I agree 100% with that!! Like a millionth %. It does allow a little room for my laziness to enter and have a play.
Some days... Some days I literally cannot get out of bed. Some days I can't even open my eyes for the first hour I'm awake, it's that bad. Some days I can't get out of the house. And in none of any days do I ever want to exercise.
But some other days I know if I had pushed myself a bit harder I would be able to do it. Forced, but I'd do it! That's when my lazy brain is like "Raquel, it's okay to stay home today" "Raquel, it's okay to stay in bed today" And that worries me!
Because I haven't been able yet to find the balance between "I literally can't" and "I could but it's okay if I can't".
You know what I mean? Am I making any kind of sense?
I've been wanting to write this for so long because I've been struggling with it and thinking about it for so long. But I'm not sure this feeling would ever be able to be worded right (by me, at least). So I hope this post is somehow coherent...
Have you gone through something similar?
And, if you do have depression or have gone through depression, how is your personality like? Are you a lazy introvert like me? Or are you able to overturn your depressive thoughts and physical weakness?